Dead Funny - Thursday 9.4.15

I've  seen Bog Bodies on the TV; 

the long time dead, preserved in peat bogs for hundreds, even thousands of years, 

but I never expected to see my own version,

 in my own garden, 

yesterday morning!

AGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

What a sight to wake up to:

MUMMIES CURSE!

 It had looked perfectly normal for the whole winter, until those pesky badgers decided they wanted the fleece for their bedding. By the time they had finished half the plants inside were snapped off at their bases and the bottom of the fleece was in tatters.

SPRING HAS SPRUNG 

: )

Manly Cake - 27-28.3 15

Nice Cake.

Icing's a bit SHAKEY though.

Luckily the cake didn't BYRNE.

LOL

(Biker pun)

Thanks to Graham and Ali n Rich for the beds and hospitality. You're all fab hosts.

Click HERE for a few more shots.

Hat Number 3 Please - 15.2.15

My lovely friend Rose is expecting her first baby which means it's 

PRESSY TIME

True to form, I knitted yet another of these Rabbit hats:

probably the best one yet.

I gave it to her at her BABY SHOWER held at the 

LAVENDER TEA ROOMS, Chalford.

Talking over the possible name for a soft toy rabbit, Peter, um, Peter, um, oh yeh, Peter (it wasn't really quite like that), I threw in, "Stewart."
"Why Stewart?" was the consensus.
"Because it can be shortened to Stew.....

Rabbit Stew."

It made me chortle, perhaps rather too smugly? 

Click here to see our 

HIGH TEA!

Whore House - 12.2.15

It's not just me who's hard of hearing.
This piece is from my 2010 diary, and was from a conversation in GREEN SPIRIT, Nailsworth.

Yu-Wot?

Mike, ”I used to live in a commune in Suffolk.”

Karen, “What was it like?”

A lot of detail was given, people, furnishings, lifestyle, property type….

Karen, “ What did you just say?”

Mike,”It was a medieval building”.

Karen,”No not that.”

Mike, “It was a beautiful building.”

Karen,”No, not that. You just said it was a whore house!”

Mike, “That's right, it was.”

Karen, “When?”

Mike, “When what?”

Karen, “When was it a whore house?”

Mike, “Well, I suppose it still is, it always had been”.

Karen, “You lived in a whore house?”

Mike, “It's unusual I know, but yes. I loved it there.”

Karen, “I bet you did.”

Mike, “Am I missing something here?”

Karen, “doesn't sound like it to me.”

I cut in, “Mike said hall house”

Karen, “I know, can you believe it?”

“Hall, Karen, HALL!!! H – A – L – L House.”

Karen, “What's that then?”

Mike, “Oh give me strength”

: )

Bushism - 7.3.15

I'm not  a teacher of English

and, 

yet, 

even I can spot the obvious floor 

in this request.

.

(Notice in the entrance to the Daneway Pub)

I was tempted to follow this notice to the letter. 

I'm pretty sure that, 

if I had, 

this muddy booted woman would have been removed

from the carpeted area.

: )

Ever The Optimist

In the past, this sign might have been made for me.

Not now.

Now I rarely swim in cold, open water.

In the past?

Pretty much every day.

In my defense, I know something that they don't;

LAKES ARE NOT DANGEROUS.

Jumping into water where the only inflated thing you take in with you is 

YOUR OPINION OF YOUR SWIMMING ABILITY

is dangerous.

Now I'm knocking on a bit, I find the spirit is weak and the flesh aint willing.

DO I LOOK MAD?????

Please don't answer that.

; )

Men Are Not Women - Sunday 2.2.15

On a freezing day, -1 celcius, MeWally decided to play with our new toy.

He got rid of the water,

took off his shoes and socks,

rolled up his trouser legs,

Climbed inside

and posed for me.

Then he reversed the process.

He seemed happy

?

We saw this notice in the excellent Tunnel House Pub at Sapperton. 

I love the erratic spacing of the text;

slight hint of instability.

: )

Measure Once, Cut Twice

That's right,

isn't it???

Garage near the Severn Bore Pub.

Er,

NO

Mutton Jeff - 28.1.15

I took a look back at some of my old diary entries tonight - as you do - and found this little gem.

_____It's from April 2010___

No surprises, it's another day at school. It's not normally like this. Bonkers. The 'real' staff are mainly on courses and trips, there's less illness about at the moment, so that's something.The kids are demob happy and I'm on the hunt for laughs.

Giggalicious things said today:

Them: I don't like these calculators, they've got funny forks.

Me: What?

Them: I don't like these calculators, they've got funny force.

Me: What?

Them: I don't like these calculators, they've got funny farce.

Me: What?
Them, shouting: I don't like these calculators, they've got funny fours

Me: Oh.

Then there was this one, luckily with a different class.

Them: For our lesson.

Me: For an hour?

Them: No, for our lesson.

Me: For four hours?

Them: No, for our lesson.

Me: Oh.

I must get my hearing checked.

Still needs checking!

She's No Better Than She Should Be

MeWally just said, "Oh, now that's clever, I'd forgotten that trick" as he scrolled through a travel Blog on advrider.com; guys travelling down through S.America on motor bikes. He's been reading it to me and showing me the pictures for nearly a week. It's really interesting and dates from 2008/9.

Ok, I know what you're thinking, what was clever?

This section of the blog involved tips on prepping for a mega journey on motorbikes. It was suggested that rather than struggle to replace a clutch cable on the side of the road when it inevitably goes, you tape a spare one to the existing one before you leave. No rush, no worries, fixing the problem in some desolate spot becomes a doddle; simply unhitch the busted one at each end and hitch up the new one in it's stead. If, in the real world, you need to replace one, you can do the same by taping a spare to the new one as you fit it. That should cut down the hassle next time. 

GENIUS

Why am I sharing this piece of info with you?

This little clutch cable lesson (always useful to us ladies) took me back to the early seventies and my first, or was it my second bike? If I don't know, I'm pretty sure you wont.

I used to nip around Bristol on my trusty, rusty, neglected steed and, of course, the clutch cable went. For several weeks I whizzed around the city changing gear 'race style', clutchless. 

Yep I spent weeks in the dippy hippy seventies

CLUTCHLESS.

That's what I call the freedom of the open .........

ROAD.

: )

Meat n Two Veg - Thur 22.1.15

Tonight we thought we might like some bread with our meal,

but there wasn't much left.

MeWally popped the little we had into an oven proof dish, ready to warm it in the oven.

Then he called me into the kitchen.

All I could find to say was a somewhat wan,

"Do I have to eat that?"

; /

Fore

I always wondered why golfers wear a glove.

I thought it might be a Michael Jackson tribute thing..

Now I know!

: )

Where Do Babies Come From? - 17.1.15

What made this lovely new mum do this?

 And this?

And this?

And this?

She's not such a yummy mummy now, is she?

What do you think?

Ahhh,

It was the sight of a frozen willy that did it.

Last time she had one of those,

she got one of these!

: )

For more Dartmoor fun, click HERE and HERE and HERE.

Pretty Things - Tuesday 5.1.15

Rant by me as we strolled around Dungerness RSPB Reserve

If you know me, you'll know why this is labelled SMILE,
If you don't know me,
DON'T JUDGE ME BY THIS
: )

I'd rather be shopping for pretty things,
Then coffee at Starbucks
And lunch at MaccyD's/KFC's.
Doin it in style!

Better than a freezing wilderness
With nothing to see but you
And if we're lucky 
A SMEW

What was it I said
That made you think I'd want this?
NO;
It's not romantic,
Or bliss.
Horizontal rain.
Pebble-dashed face.
I'd rather a spa had taken it's place.

No, 
Really,
I'd rather be shopping for pretty things,
Then coffee at Starbucks
And lunch at MaccyD's/KFC's.
Doin it in style!

"Oh really?!
Out there!"
Hands out of pockets.
Drag out my bins.
"Better be worffit"
Is all I can say.

"It is worth it",
Is all you can say.

"OK, better be Smew,
Nothing less will do.
SMEW!!!!!
WOW!!!!!!!!!

Love you."
   X

Watching The Telly

As you probably know, 

WE DON'T HAVE A TELLY.

We watch the stuff we like on our computer,

LATER,

when we have time/feel like it.

We like it that way.

It suits our lifestyle.

Right now, as you also know,

we're on holiday.

This means we have to watch telly;

even the radio's on the telly.

Count Arther Strong's on in a mo,

and guess what,

we have to

WAIT

until the show begins.

What I want to know is,

HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS?

The Telly is ruling our evening.

We ate when there was crap on.

We watch the news (never done at home),

it covers 4 stories in what feels like 6 hours.

We turn it off and catch the comedy on R4.

BLISS.

Now the news is on 
AGAIN. 

It's the same as before
and it was complete pants then.
I'm losing the will to live.

THIS IS HELL.

Thought I'd share my angst with you.

: (

Big Air - Fri 23. 5 2014

As I understand it, 

The higher you go,

The Bigger The Air Gets

!!!!!!

THE CRISP PACKET EXPERIMENT

1550 METRES - ST FOY - OUR APARTMENT

1854 METRES - LE MONAL - PLUMPER BAG

1934 METRES - LA VACHERIE D'EN BAS - MONSTER FAT BAG

0 METRES - CALAIS FERRY PORT - SKINNY BAG

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT
AS THE PACKET  SAYS
20% BIGGER ....
AS LONG AS YOU GET SOME ALTITUDE

EASY!

SO, 

IF YOU WANT BIG AIR,

GO TO A SKI RESORT

: )

Bearing It All - 3.1.13

You can't beat a night in the pub, as the drinks tot up, the jokes become more feeble, the laughter more robust.

*Mr M'Goo (I think), "Does God exist?"
*Me (probably), "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

This little joke left the four of us howling, weeping with laughter and unable breathe or speak. At that late stage in the evening, the joke was a corker.

Happy New Year 

: )

Womens Glib

When I was a girl there were no 'young women',; one went from being a girl to a lady. A LADY - one of those creatures trapped in a chastity belt and prone to hysteria. At school, boys were addressed by their surnames, but not the girls. Girls had no claim on their family names as they'd be 'given away' in marriage to another family. Girls were collateral. Too many girls in a family were a drain on resources for little reward.

Once married, all our (the girls) money and possessions became the property of the husband - for ever - to be left with the guy if the marriage failed.

To top it all off, there was no such thing as rape within a marriage. Raping ones wife was perfectly legal.

Thankfully all that has changed.

Imagine, then, my surprise when I spotted this notice in the window of  THE BELL, a Dursley pub with a nightclub out back..

Yep, you got it.

The offer of the century, the 18th century, that is.

LADIES FREE  - ALL NIGHT

I bet they had blokes queuing right around the block for that offer.

Along the similar lines - the emancipation of women - I offer you the following two images!

During our stay in France this summer us girlies went retro to pose as the perfect little women, or as I decided to name us:

THE THREE WIVES MUNTERS. 

And I have no recollection of this little episode.

That's probably the wine talking.

I'm so glad we can now laugh about all this stuff.

Oh, how times have changed since I was a girl.

Mars-A Horizon Guide

And His only comment was, "I bet they have pert breasts. Zero gravity and all that".

: /